Every step is a Revolution
When I started to put pen to paper and give voice to my Self-care and boundary-setting journey, I came up with the framework I call "The 4 R's".
(I know. Such a creative name.)
The purpose of the framework was to identify different phases of our Self-care journey, so that can we develop a better arsenal of tools to actually make the Self-care theory an active (and effective) practice. Because when you know where you're at, you can create a practice that tends to your needs.
Honestly, the way that I've come to understand Self-care has changed dramatically over the years...and even now it continues to shift and change.
Initially I called out the four R's/phases like this:
RETREAT → RECOVERY → RESERVES → REVOLUTION
The idea was rooted in the whole "fill your own cup first" thing, when I was in the midst of the loving mental breakdown of 2018, and I desperately wanted to be actively engaged in issues of social justice and anti-racism.
Instead of being able to listen, learn, and support, I was reacting from a very stressed out place — everything I read/heard/saw was triggering.
Now I'm not the type to lash out in Instagram comments or pop into someone's DMs with some well-meaning but ultimately harmful opinions, but I am the type to engage in a doom spiral of content consumption, which leaves me feeling powerless, ashamed, and anxious AF.
Instead of jumping in with my white saviour problem-solving approach (which I had newly learned was problematic) I would shut down, numb out, or avoid.
Not helpful.
So, I had to disengage for a while (which, btw, is a privilege!) and learn how to take care of my Self → Not in the ways I'd been "told" to, but in ways that actually tended to my needs so I could heal my personal hurts.
I had to learn how to manage my anxiety so that I was showing up for these critical conversations about human rights and equality as my best, most supportive Self — not someone who wasn't doing a great job managing her own baggage and centred her pain, at the cost of helping to lessen the load of another.
I realized that to manage my stress, I had to manage the sources of stimulus that I was taking in: I took social media apps off my phone. I unsubscribed from newsletters. I took off to the coast for a week of quiet.
I had to retreat from the triggers that were creating my heightened reactions.
I pulled way back so that I could slowly and purposefully re-engage.
Remember that anxiety is made up of two components: Stress + Worry.
Worry = The story our brain tells as it tries to regulate and process → The thoughts you have about the experience in your that play on loop about what other people think or do (read: might think or do based on our imagination) and the spiral that results from that story-telling. This is where our stories about not being enough or being wrong emerge.
Stress = The body's physiological reaction to what's happening → The feelings that come up in your body. Your muscles tense to prepare for a quick escape, breathing increases to deliver more oxygen to your keyed up body, and you divert energy from those maintenance systems like digestion and repair.
Anxiety = (Stress + Worry) without healthy boundaries or resolution → This is the vicious cycle we can get caught in, where the stress and worry stack and we struggle to cope.
These feelings are totally normal.
They're actually useful evolutionary traits — worry helps us make sense of what's up, stress helps us escape, and anxiety is supposed to protect us by storing memories of threats so we can avoid them in the future.
But. We aren't living in an environment where the perceived threats and the actual threats always line up...and our bodies can't tell the difference. The reactions are very real.
And. They can get the best of us if they're left unmanaged.
Here's the thing: It's not easy to challenge the stories we've inherited so that we can be intentional about what we pass on, or to lean into the feelings of discomfort to uncover what's underneath them.
In fact, the whole re-parenting ourselves, especially while raising littles, is fucking exhausting — especially especially when it feels like you're going at it alone.
Things to remember
When we talk about Self-care, it's important to get clear on what exactly our needs are — that's what I had to do while tending to my Self in the midst of The Breakdown.
In the same way that we ask others what they need to be supported, we need to have that conversation with our Selves.
Remember: Anxiety and the sense of losing control happens when you're caught in a cycle of stress + worry. And sometimes the prospect of taking both of those legs out simultaneously is overwhelming.
So start with one of them.
See if you can take a moment during an experience of stress to check-in and ask what you're really thinking and feeling. Even if you can't fully express it in the moment, you can put a pin in it to process later so that the debt of suppression doesn't come due with hefty interest.
Remember: The most effective Self-care is a blend of being proactive and reactive.
This first step of "noticing" is how we can tune into patterns, so we can try to get ahead of less helpful coping mechanisms.
Then, when we have a clear grasp on the thing that's derailing us, we can make a shift and find specific ways to tend to those needs. We can engage in Self-care that is:
Physical — Move your body, get sweaty, eat nutritious food, drink some water, take a hot shower, get sleep, spend time outside, get into nature, immerse yourself in a hobby.
If it engages your senses in a positive way, do more of it.Mental — Meditation, journalling, practice gratitude, do something productive, indulge in creativity, learn, read.
If it shifts your thinking to a healthier place, do more of it.Emotional — Setting (and holding) boundaries, shifts in self-talk, seek connection, take a digital detox, do an emotional check-in, practice empathy.
If it helps you feel safe and grounded, do more of it.
Now. We're usually better at honouring those physical needs than the emotional or mental ones — they get our attention most, and are often the self-care practices that we incorporate first when we're on the road to recovery or building resilience.
And. There are ways to bring more thoughtfulness and intention to those practices, whether it's taking a longer shower than usual or spending an extra few minutes on a daily skincare routine. (So worth it.)
Where we tend to struggle a little more are those mental and emotional pieces, so that's what I want to remind you of today.
Get clear on what you're actually thinking and feeling.
That looks like:
The story I'm telling myself is...
It makes me feel...
When I believe this story...
I've said it before and I'll say it again: We often take for granted that the story we're telling in our head is true. Sometimes it is. Often, it's a little skewed. If you aren't sure, have the conversation out loud with people you trust.
Once you identify the story you're telling, you can start to practice some shifts to a more supportive (and true) narrative. Like:
"I can't let anything drop, or else it will all fall apart."
→ I'm allowed to take a break and it will be okay, or
→ Not everything that drops will break.
"If I drop the ball people will be disappointed or think I'm a fuck-up."
→ I can't control what others think, say, or do, or
→ Being perfect isn't possible, and doing my best is enough.
"I should say yes even though I don't want to."
→ It's okay to say no, or
→ It's important to honour my needs too.
And. This is important:
The people who get the most out of you compromising your boundaries, will put up the most resistance when you set them.
Another and:
Just because someone gives you pushback does not automatically mean that you're wrong.
Remember the words of Glennon Doyle, in this freaking incredible interview with Brené Brown:
"It's not the cruel criticism of people who hate us that shake us from our knowing; it's the quiet concern of those who love us."
🔥🔥🔥
So. Set your loving boundaries, my wild-hearted friend. And hold your ground.
It's the only thing that with save your Self in a world hell-bent on keeping you small.
Oh. And that whole restructuring of the four R's? It looks like this:
Because when you're challenging systems and conditioning that demand your Self-sacrifice and martyrdom above all? Well. Then every step along the way is an act of revolution.
Stepping back when you're commanded to push forward? Resting when you need to, instead of when you're mandated to? Giving from abundance in support of moral justice rather than guilt or obligation?
That all sounds like freedom to me. And freedom, like fire, is contagious...
Sounds revolutionary to me.
TL/DR
I wanted to share all of this today because last week I got to have a second conversation with the incredible Keisha Tower of The Kentucky Momma podcast, and we talked about this kind of stuff — including the ways that our made-up stories play out in our marriage, and what happens when we're able to name + own those stories.
If you missed our first convo about why boundaries + Self-care matter, you can find it here. Then, when you're ready for the follow-up chat, you can listen to round two.
We talked about how it actually feels to come through the first wave of the COVID shutdown, how Keisha has managed to keep her shit (relatively) together during quarantine, and where to go from here.
Click here to listen to me talk about boundaries (again) with Keisha on The Kentucky Momma podcast.
Alright. That's it for me today!
As always, thank you for being here. And if you know a friend who would benefit from some loving truth-telling about boundaries and Self-care...send 'em my way.
With love and healthy boundaries,
Justine
PS. These topics are near and dear to my heart because I care deeply about personal agency and freedom. And to feel free, we have to be aware of the constructs that keep us stuck.
I speak from my experience as a white womxn, which is an identity that comes with its own host of narratives and social conditioning to challenge.
Next week, in one of my rarely-organized-but-usually-thought-provoking Crowdcast sessions, I'll be joined by Jason Madden — a privileged white male who is in the work of challenging his own emotional baggage and the stories that accompany bro-dem.
I won't lie — I normally get my hackles up when it comes to talking to guys about this stuff.
But Jason is one of the few I know who can sit with and listen to experiences of hurt at the hands of the patriarchy, and discuss the impacts of toxic masculinity without taking it personally.
We're getting together to talk about learning how to adult...i.e. how to handle our hurt feelings and past trauma without lashing out, numbing out, or doing harm to the people around us.
It's happening July 31 at 11am PST, and you can reserve your seat by clicking here.
(No worries if you can't attend live — there will be a replay!)
PPS. Don't forget to listen to Keisha and me on The Kentucky Momma! Once more for ease of clickability: here's the first episode, and here's numero two.