My least favourite F word

When somebody asks,

"How are you?"

How do you answer?

I mean, it's a simple enough question, isn't it? At least, it's one that we get asked regularly.

But how often are you asked that question and you provide an honest answer?

Maybe you respond with a reflexive "I'm fine!" or "Things are good!" or "Keeping busy!"

(These days I say, "Rolling with the punches!" a lot because it feels the most accurate.)

If the inquiry persists, maybe you'll share some more details:

"Things are great! The kids are back at daycare for now, my partner is really busy with work, my client load is really full, and we're gearing up for the start of the school year which is just around the corner. It's busy but I know that things are much worse for other people so I'm focusing on the positive. With the oldest starting school we have to figure out how to wrangle his school schedule for pick-up and drop-off with the baby's daycare schedule...I mean. As long as they can go? If they end up doing virtual learning..."

You probably find that the list of logistics and things to do and managing the lives of other human beings quickly comes to the forefront of conversation, because they occupy so much bandwidth in your mind — and even if you started broaching the sense of stress you really feel, you quickly back off into safer conversational territory.

Most of the time, those responses meet the needs of the superficial query at hand — after all, you're just exchanging social niceties in passing, not pouring your heart out in a therapist's office.

The problem is that while those polite answers are quick and surface-level accurate, they don't answer the original question, or speak to what's really going on underneath all of the busy:

So how are you?

Not, "What are you doing," but How. Are. YOU.

That question is a lot harder to answer.

(And avoiding it is more dangerous than you might think.)

Before I had kids, I didn't struggle with taking care of myself as much as I did when I became a mom. After all, I was a massage therapist who spent all day educating people about the toll of unmanaged stress and why it was so important for them to practice Self-care.

But after my eldest was born, the responsibility hit me — I couldn't politely tell him "no" and go to bed early when my body told me it was time to rest...I had to keep him alive.

And actually, it wasn't just about keeping him alive.

It was keeping him alive, and making sure that he was breastfed on demand, and that I didn't let him cry too much because that would lead to psychological and emotional abandonment issues, and I had to keep the house clean because germs are everywhere, and cook healthy organic food from scratch because wellness, and and and...

Whether it's navigating choices about sleep and feeding when kids are wee, or the impossible choices we face in pandemic mode between the potential risks to our physical health or our emotional well-being...mothers are taught to set aside their needs and sacrifice their wants for the sake of the family unit.

It starts with little things like feeding everyone else before feeding yourself...all day. Seriously, why is the kid on their 3rd snack when you haven't had breakfast yet?

It looks like making sure everyone else is dressed and put together before heading out the door even if you look (and smell) like crap.

It's being the one to remember the birthdays and do the party planning and RSVPing and wrangling the present buying and wrapping.

Pretty soon, your brain is full of details from everyone else's schedule, needs, wants, feelings, thoughts...and you've been pushed to the margins of your own life.

Those little compromises along the way start to stack, and before long, the transformation from Selfish Woman to Selfless Mother is complete.

And now, if anybody asks how you are...

You're exhausted, you’re overwhelmed, you're depleted, you're burnt-out.

But you say:

"I'm fine."

And you list all of the proof that you're successfully adulting with your kids and partner and work and the fullness of all of the doing. You leave out the fact that none of the doing is fulfilling, and you actually just want to cry. Sleep. Cry. Sleep. And cry.

Now, I'm not going to unpack all of the conditioning that leads to this structure and the accompanying expectations because let's be honest — this is only one email. The point is that like many mothers before me, I believed that becoming a mom meant sacrificing my Self for the sake of everybody around me.

I got used to prioritizing the comfort of others over the needs of my Self, because that's what I was taught to do.

But not anymore.

When I say “Self,” here’s my take: Your Self is is not defined by the things you do.

Your Self  is underneath all of the stories about who you're supposed to be. It’s who you are underneath all that you do. 

When other people's thoughts and opinions and labels and judgments of you or your actions are stripped away, what are you left with?

It sucks that defining Who You Are is such a murky process because it's also essential in order to live a life with integrity — meaning that the life you live on the outside is reflective of who you really are on the inside.

That means being able to identify and strip away all the things that you are not. To be able to name the things you value and want to spend your time, attention, and energy on — so that you can say no to the things that aren't aligned for you.

Your Self is is not defined by the things you do.

It's who you are when no one else is around. It's who you are underneath all of the stories you've been told about who you're supposed to be.

So when other people's thoughts and opinions and labels and judgments of you or your actions are stripped away, what are you left with, and, do you like who that is? 🤔

The struggle of doing right by my Self versus pleasing others left me dancing (not gracefully) between two worlds — the external one, which was built on a patriarchal and colonial foundation (among other systems) and the internal one, with the quiet but persistent inner voice telling me that the things I was being taught didn't line up with my moral compass.

How the heck do you resolve that tension, and the guilt that comes with putting your Self first?

I think to answer that, we have to go back and be honest about the first question I posed:

How are you?

How are you really feeling? How does that feeling show up in your body? Why do you feel that way? How do you want to feel? When's the last time you felt the way you want to feel? What's one thing you can do to feel 1% better? Who's really telling you that you can't do that?

I've been told that I tend to come with more questions than answers. And I know that's frustrating, because you're already exhausted and it would be easier if I just told you The Thing To Do That Will Change Everything.

Spoiler alert: I am telling you The Thing To Do That Will Change Everything.

And that thing is being honest with your Self about how you really are.

Because honestly, we are living through a pandemic and I don't think anyone is fine.

We are coping. We're trucking along. We're surviving.

But we're decidedly not fine, so let's stop pretending we are.

Especially to our Selves.

So now, if you know the question you need to be answering, what do you need to help you find the answer?

• You need safe spaces to share without judgment, interruption, or the centring of someone else's feelings.

• You need someone listening intently, and asking the right questions to help you dig deeper.

• You need somewhere it is safe to be your Self — not a mom, or wife, or daughter, or friend, or sister, or employee, or boss — just you, showing up for you.

And what happens when you take the emphasis off of everyone else's needs and feelings, and put that focus on your Self?

Instead of answering how you are by defaulting to your interpretation of what everyone else is thinking, feeling, and doing...what if you answer the question for your Self, and then take the necessary steps to bridge the gap of your feelings and day-to-day actions?

(I'm really excited because right now, I get to share answers to "What happens when..." that aren't made up bullshit, but real life outcomes from human beings who set aside the time to practice their boundary setting and Self-care — aka what we come together to do in Stayin' Alive.)

When you take the time to honour your Self:

"I've been able to communicate needs more clearly to my partner, instead of hoping he'll read my mind. I've been able to recognize where my lack of boundaries have actually hurt my relationships, instead of helping them. I've been able to better navigate setting boundaries around my time and emotional investment with people in my inner circle."

— Sara F.

(Ah-mah-zing.)

"I have a lot more words to describe how I’m feeling, and learned how to recognize a few things that I hadn’t realized I was doing that were stopping me from getting my point across/understood. And, learning about tending to my Self with purpose and planning ahead for times that I know are going to be challenging when possible has been such a self-care game changer."

— Melia D.

(Effing right.)

"I just say NO more. I say it louder. I find that I respect the reactions in my own body a lot more."

— Maggie F.

(HECK TO THE YES.)

Don't let anyone tell you that your needs don't matter, because they do.

They matter as much as anybody else's, and, you are responsible for being the champion of your needs. Because — let's say this all together now:

The people who benefit the most from your lack of boundaries will put up the most resistance when you set them.

And, they will reward you for violating your boundaries by patting you on the head and calling you "nice."

Trusting your Self is counter-cultural.

So go ahead. Be a badass. Be honest about how you really feel, and what you really need.

Doing the work to dig in and find the answers to questions about who you are and what you need to feel safe and seen is not work for the faint of heart, and it's not something I recommend you do alone.

Because as much as we depend on security in our sense of Self to answer those questions, the conditioning we receive and the stories we've learned to tell ourselves aren't always accurate. That's why we need safe spaces to process; to sift through our thoughts and feelings so that we can recognize what to hold on to, and what to let go of.

Sometimes, we find these safe spaces in our family, sometimes it's our friends, and sometimes we go to therapy. And sometimes, we need a little something else.

That's where Stayin' Alive comes in.

It's not a place to vent for the sake of venting, it's not a replacement for therapy, and it's not a program that requires you to give more of your Self to others.

It's a place to connect with other humans who are struggling with the same issues you are, so that you can know that you're not alone. It's a safe space show up as you are, so that you can get some support making sense of the madness.

So if you're tired of putting yourself last on the priorities list, or you feel like you're alone in the overwhelming anxiety of running a business, being a good parent, and keeping the household running...this is the program for you.

And the next time you're asked, "how are you?" don't be afraid to be honest about the answer.

You don't have to go pouring your heart out to every person who asks, because #boundaries, but don't let the habit of glossing over Your Truth with others become the habit with your Self.

Trust me: You want to know what your heart has to say.

So, what do you think: Is it time to learn how to listen to your Self?