The art of falling apart

I am a big advocate for falling apart.

In fact, I think that fighting to keep it all together is highly overrated.

About ten years ago, I was very into posting quotes as Facebook statuses. And because the internet never forgets, here's proof:

I hope that I didn't always post without credit, but a quick search of the interweb tells me the words are attributed to Marilyn Monroe so that's what I'll go with today.

To put that sentiment another way — specifically, in the words of one of my favourite spiritual teachers, Iyanla Vanzant:

Lives fall apart when they need to be rebuilt.
Lives fall apart when the foundation upon which they were built needs to be relaid.
Lives fall apart, not because God is punishing us for what we have or have not done.
Lives fall apart because they need to.

It really is impressive how committed we are to holding on.

To the past, to the stories we tell ourselves, and to the emotional baggage that accumulates when feelings aren't expressed.

I spend a lot of time talking about the way that stress can show up and stack in our lives when it isn't tended to (see also: this episode of The Kentucky Momma podcast), because it's actually a healthy and inevitable part of our life.

What we know is that our bodies have built-in mechanisms to combat our stress response, because the body naturally craves balance → aka homeostasis.

After an experience of stress, there are systems and processes for metabolizing the hormones that came to your aid, because chronic high stress in your body is not super healthy...especially when it lacks perspective.

(If you're a TedTalk fan, this one by Kelly McGonigal — How to Make Stress Your Friend — is a good one.)

We are wired for ebbs and flows.

However.
That stress recovery only happens if you create the space for it, because the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems cannot fire at the same time.

Until you actually let the mess of feelings spill over, the clean-up crew is waiting on stand-by...and you had better believe you'll be paying overtime thanks to the emotional hold-up.

Letting yourself feel the big feelings is a necessary part of healing.

It's how you can be honest about what's actually going on in your life, so that you can make intentional choices that nurture healthy growth.

And by suppressing or ignoring your feelings, and pretending that everything is okay when it's actually not, you betray your Self and violate your emotional boundaries — the ones that you set to protect your sense of Self.

Physical boundaries protect your bodily safety, and emotional boundaries protect your heart — not the anatomical pump one, but the one that carries the weight of your feelings.

**Your heart is who you are at your core.**

AND IT HAS SO MANY FEELINGS.

Sometimes I think that we're scared to let ourselves feel the feels and fall apart in case we don't get back up. Or maybe we fear that the broken pieces we're left to pick up aren't going to come together to make something better.

But that hasn't been my experience because human beings are incredibly resilient. Over and over we find ways to pick ourselves up, and try again. And again.

And. That process is not without pain because grief often follows letting go...and holy toledo humans are afraid of grief.

We prefer denial to heartbreak.

Another but. (Butt. HA!)

But. Being afraid to face the big feelings because of what they might uncover...that hurts far more in the long run.

Avoidance might be the thing that's getting you through the day right now, but it's not going to lead to a life that feels aligned and authentic to who you really are underneath all of those carefully constructed defence mechanisms.

I’ll say it again:
Ignoring your feelings is a betrayal of your Self.

And just like walking on a broken foot will lead to more damage, continuing to build relationships (especially the one with your Self) on an emotional foundation that isn't tended to...I'm sure you can see where I'm going here:

Intentionally make space to listen to your feelings. Tune into where and how they show up in your body. Process the emotions so they don't bottle up and spill over. Examine the story you're telling yourself.

And then take the next step.

Listen to your body, before it screams for your attention.

If you need help translating the message your body is sending (because you've been taught to ignore or suppress your feelings) and finding appropriate ways to process that energy and practise real Self-care (because sometimes a bubble bath just won't cut it), that happens to be something that I do really well.

I can't promise to make the big feelings go away, or that the unrelenting shit storm that life can be will magically cease, because honestly — that hasn't been my experience.

What I do know is that in the midst of the shit storm, you can learn how to batten down the hatches and ride it out. In the words of Katharine Wyatt on Grey's Anatomy: "Yes, horrible things do happen. Happiness, in the face of all of that, that's not the goal. Feeling horrible, and knowing that you're not gonna die from those feelings, that's the point."

The point isn't to stop the waves of emotion from coming, but to learn how to navigate them instead of screaming at your kids or numbing out with an entire bag of Oreos and cheddar jalapeño popcorn.

The point isn't to do it perfectly (because perfect doesn't exist) or without surrendering to the madness at times (because spoiler alert: control is an illusion) but I don't know a single person who looked back and said, "Wow, I'm really glad that I waited until it was too late to start taking care of myself."

Creating a Self-care practice that is sustainable and works for you means learning how to name your needs, and finding ways to meet them — where you're at, with what you've got, starting now.

No one can do this work for you, but that doesn't mean you have to do it alone.

Our greatest survival skill is the ability to ask for help and show up for each other. Because needing help never makes you less than — and needing each other is our greatest strength.

Because we were never meant to go at this alone.

(Full disclosure: 👆That's an invitation to my group coaching program, which is kicking off the second week of June. I am wrapping up the first round on Sunday, and it was freaking incredible. I am so proud of how hard these women have worked over the last month, and am sososo stoked for the next round. I hope you'll join me!)

Oh. One more thing:
I recorded a live Crowdcast about boundaries and burnout with the incredible Jacqueline Jennings, and holy wow did she have so much good to share.

The goal was to chat about what’s wrong with self-care, why we need (and how we can cultivate) community care, and the way the current system is broken...and we did talk about those things! We also went down several other tangents of goodness about the ways we've approached wellness in the past, what we want to do differently, and the possibility of what's to come.