If you had a do-over, what would you say?
I just heard my eldest yawn audibly…the kind of yawn that comes with a good stretch. That’s a pretty solid cue that he’s about to emerge from his room, and I feel like I am no longer breaking some sort of magical spell by saying what I'm about to say — because at the time of writing this, it is 7:55am on a Friday morning.
I am the only human awake and moving in my household, and it's been that way since 6:30am.
I even have coffee.
(Every parent on the planet is like FOOL YOU JINXED IT but it’s fine. I’m fine. Everything’s fine.)
I won't lie — I got up so that I could get a head start on writing, but when I realized no one else was awake I didn't want to start anything meaningful; that's usually when spidey senses rouse the kidlets from slumber.
By the time 7:00 had rolled around and I was still the only one up, I knew I had something special on my hands and I wanted to sit down and document it, because an event like this comes around so rarely...
But, Murphy's Law of Productive Parenting states that the moment you try to make the most of the opportunity — or even acknowledge that it exists — you will destroy it.
So I waited, and did nothing.
Now I have one kid laying on me and another making his way down the hallway, which means my day has officially begun.
— It’s worth noting here that approximately six hours passed between the kids waking up and the next portion of this post —
Welcome to Friday, my friend.
I don't know about you, but I had a pretty big week.
And normally, I sit down to write The Friday Feels and the words kind of just pour out...but today, I'm at a bit of a loss.
I know. Weird.
Anyway.
In the last two weeks, I got to record two amazing podcast interviews.
I don't think this is a secret, but I looooove doing podcast interviews. And at this point, I've done enough listening to myself talk to know when I spout some conversational goodness.
This doesn't always happen, but sweet niblets am I relieved when it does.
Despite a couple questions I can answer a little better in hindsight (more on that👇) I am confident saying that these interviews pulled out some good shiz in terms of setting healthy boundaries under exceptional circumstances.
I will be totally honestly here — if you had told me two weeks ago that I was going to be recording with the ladies of the Self Helpless podcast and the episode would be live before the month was through, I wouldn't have believed you.
Don't get me wrong — I had absolutely been wanting to get on that show.
Since I discovered Self Helpless back in 2019, I've listened to countless episodes back to back (you know — in the days that I actually drove places...) and have spent a great deal of time thinking about what I would talk about if I ever made it on.
I just thought it would be a long time before that vision came to fruition.
I've never been happier to be wrong.
It's an understatement to say that I was shocked to get an email a couple Sundays ago asking if I'd be available to record the next day.
Obviously I said yes.
It meant I only had one night to lose sleep from the anxiety...which, to be fair, I do before every interview or workshop I'm a part of. Granted they're always fine — even fun! But that doesn't stop my brain from screaming MORTAL DANGER whenever I'm about to put my work in front of a new audience.
So. The next day, I threw all of my laundry on the bed and set my computer up away from the mess so that it looked like I don't live in total chaos. Then I talked to Kelsey, Delanie, and Taylor.
It. Was. So. Fun.
If you haven't listened to this episode yet, DO IT.
It's called Setting Boundaries During Quarantine and you can find it here. Or here. Or watch it here.
So I half wanted to play it cool when I shared this and pretend like it wasn't a big deal, but if you've known me for a while you know that would be total bullshit because I have absolutely no chill.
I was sweat-through-my-shirt and talk-really-fast stoked to be sitting there.
And the hilarious hosts were exactly as you'd expect if you have ever listened to the podcast — I could have talked to them forever...which, to be fair, is how I feel about almost every interview or workshop I'm a part of.
As for those questions that I wish I'd answered differently...
Fun fact: A few years ago I was interviewing for a role I really wanted. The interview process had gone...okay...but I wasn't thrilled. In true introvert fashion, after I'd had time to replay the conversation over a thousand times in my head, I had much better answers to some of the questions.
Instead of kicking the ground and saying oh well, I sent a follow-up email. I thanked them for their time, and let them know that I had given some of the questions more thought and had a better answer for them.
I got the second interview, and I got the job.
Unfortunately, that's not exactly how it works with podcasts — but I can write a follow-up post.
I'm not going to write a response for the entire interview (yet — you're welcome), but the main question I wish I could have a do-over with is the one Delanie asked at the very end of the interview, which was:
What are the top three boundary setting practices that have changed your life the most?
In the moment, I said something along the lines of:
Standing up for yourself when others treat you poorly,
Being able to call out someone's bad behaviour while still holding space for their goodness, and
Creating physical space and quiet to hear yourself think.
If I were given a do-over, I would say the three practices that have changed my life the most — in addition to finding physical space and quiet — are:
Boundaries around the expectations that I have for myself.
These are the boundaries that protect you from your the inner voice that tries to tell you that you aren't enough, or you don't work hard enough, or that you are broken. Sometimes that voice comes from other people, but more often than not it's a narrative we make up all on our own.
Healthy boundaries around expectation provide checks and balances that keep you from trying to hustle to prove your worth — using your sense accomplishments to provide your worth is reaching for external validation in an attempt fill an internal void. And self-love doesn't work like that.
When you have a secure sense of self-worth, you can recognize when you've done enough. Because you already are enough.
You don't need to earn the right to recover.Boundaries around the treatment you allow from others.
This is what I started to talk about on the podcast, realized it was a bigger topic than I would be able to wrap in a few minutes, so I got flustered and kind of said the same thing twice. But it's worth mentioning twice because it's a biggie.
The people who benefit most from your lack of boundaries are going to put up resistance when you start to set them. This can come in the form of peer pressure, guilt-tripping, or countless other unhealthy expressions of manipulation in a relationship.
But when we succumb to that pressure, we train people to treat us the way that they do; setting and maintaining boundaries sets new expectations for the relationship, and learning new things is a work.
It's worth point out that not all relationships are worth saving — some people just suck harder than you have the capacity to work with. But even the ones that are worth sticking around for are going to hurt you along the way because we are human.
The only way I've found to forgive and move on with big love is to hold people accountable for the hurt they cause, while remaining secure in the goodness they bring to my life. After all, I have them around for a reason...and, loyalty is not an excuse for treating people like shit.
Healthy boundaries let the good in while keeping the bad out, and most of life's richest experiences are delivered with a double-edged sword.
How you handle the blows they bring is up to you.Boundaries around how much you care.
That sounds kind of harsh — I know. But bear with me, because this is a really important piece of the whole boundary setting puzzle.
We know that you can't pour from empty, but we don't always stop to look at what has you running towards empty in the first place. I mean, sure, stress and lack of time for self-care...but that's not just it.
It's not just that we don't make time for Self-care — we do try. But there is a never-ending stream of things outside of our Selves that always feels more urgent or important, and it gets our attention with the slightest provocation.
I mean, have you been on social media lately? Ever?
I can spend hours doom-scrolling and never reach the end of the the horrors that are unfolding in the world. And, that act can trigger a shame spiral around how I feel — because who am I to complain or be depressed when my life isn’t even that bad?
And I do it because I care. I care so freaking much about everything. But after a while it's almost as if I care about nothing at all...because I can't do anything about most of it and a little rage distributed in multiple areas doesn't amount to anything in terms of action. It is exhausting though.
I consume the information because I want to be educated and I want to help. But I end up so depleted that I’m a blob of hopelessness on the couch…
Who am I helping? Nobody. What did I accomplish? Not much.
Sure, I got the attention of a few trolls who stoked my righteous anger and then made me feel really badly about myself because they're mean for fun and I wanted to change somebody's mind for the better — my intention was so good! (Spoiler alert: Good intentions don’t cancel out shitty consequences.)
After many iterations of this pattern, I've come to accept that I cannot care about the opinion of most people on the internet — especially the trolls. Because not only am I not going to change their minds, but engaging on social media is quite possibly the least effective avenue for changing anyone’s minds.
I can pour all of my care into trying to “reach as many people as possible" on Twitter, and all that energy ultimately have no impact. I don't think the answer is to not care at all — I'm not a nihilist…but I have to ask myself:
Where do I have the best chance of engaging with people in a productive way; in a way that actually affects change?
Where will all of my caring be best put to use?
The answer for me (hashtag, introvert) is that my energy (and gifts) are best put to use in: The emails I send out on Fridays, the occasional Crowdcast event, actual conversations on video + podcast interviews, and working directly with people in a more intimate way.
The engagements that follow from those interactions are the ones that I care about the most — and they’re with the people who are raising their hands and saying, "I care too. A lot."I am comfortable saying that's all the bandwidth for caring I have right now; the trolls will have to wait.
We are the sensitive ones, and our bandwidth is limited.
...You can see why I'm only taking the time to give a more comprehensive answer to ONE question from this interview — if I tried to tackle all of them, we'd be here for a looooong while.
Anyway. All of that to say, GO LISTEN TO THIS INTERVIEW. And then tell all your friends to listen to it.
And then and then, when you're done all of that (or you've already had Self Helpless in your ears), listen to this!
It's the second interview I recorded with Keisha Tower — aka the host of The Kentucky Momma podcast — a few days after the Self Helpless interview, and it was honestly the perfect follow-up. Keisha was so much fun to talk to, and I loved how openly she shared about her experiences trying to navigate amid the current chaos.
Obviously we chatted about self-care and managing stress, but this conversation definitely took on a life of its own: From healthy boundaries vs defence mechanisms, to how we get triggered by our spouses, and dealing with the guilt of yelling at our kids because we're stressed out...a crapton of goodness to add to the podcast queue.
Whew! I think that's "it" for me today.
I guess I shouldn't be shocked by it anymore, but I swear I'm surprised every time those wordy floodgates open... Welcome to the Friday Feels: The place for Lots. Of. Feelings. 😁
So now: What do you think?
Did you catch either interview? Love it? Hate it? Have an unresolved Q you'd like an A to?
Come find me on the socials and let me know!
PS: If anything in those conversations about Self-care and boundaries struck a chord and you want to dig into more personalized solutions, check out how we can work together.
I'm launching a new group coaching program at the beginning of May, dedicated to recalibrating your self-care strategies during exceptional circumstances. You know, like pandemics.