There are two kinds of people in this world

There are two kinds of people in this world:

People who use that expression, and those that don't.

My mom is a person who uses that expression, and one of the phrases I heard over and over while growing up is, "There are two kinds of people in this world: Givers and Takers."

I wanted to be a Giver (duh, sounds way better) but it turns out that I'm a Taker.

When I tell people this, they're usually a bit surprised and try to insist that they know me to be generous and giving. Which I am -- but only because it's done very intentionally and with boundaries in place.

That's the thing about Takers: it's not that we don't give at all, we just don't give by default. Giving is a skill that we have to learn and practise.

What Takers come by more naturally is the ability to establish and maintain boundaries.

When Takers give, you know we mean it.

When Takers are operating from a good place, it makes us incredible friends because we can hold space for other people's stress without taking it on as our own.

And.

When we aren't at our best, we are selfish. We get stuck in our heads and consumed by our own narrative, oblivious to what happens around us. We brood, we withdraw, and we suck the energy out of the room just by being there.

What about Givers?

When at their best, Givers are the most nurturing of souls. They anticipate the needs of others and meet them before they've been asked. They're thoughtful and considerate of all of the feelings when it comes to making a decision.

And.

When they're operating from a place of depletion, they can grow resentful. Their attentiveness turns to anxiety and they can become paralyzed by the fear of what other people are thinking. They can end up giving because they feel like they have to, not because they want to.

Givers and Takers tend to end up together.

And the traits aren't mutually exclusive.

My mom once commented that she knew one of my past relationships was destined to fail because we were both Takers, and I was trying to be a Giver to make the dynamic work.

It didn't.

We come with a natural predisposition towards one tendency or the other, but how it expresses will fluctuate depending on our environment, our experiences, and our choice.

Just because I'm a Taker doesn't mean that I'm incapable of giving, it just means I have to work a little harder at developing the skill, and it only works in a mutually beneficial relationship — which is why I've "tricked" so many people into thinking I'm a Giver. ;)

If the traits exist on a spectrum (which I think they do!) I would say that I lean more towards the giving end of the Takers than I did when I was younger, because I became aware of my tendency didn't want to be a bitter relationship vampire.

I've also had some very patient teachers in my life.

Givers can teach Takers what it looks like to give, but only if they've the resources to spare. And that generosity can't co-exist with the resentment that comes from overextending yourself and trying to pour from empty.

When Givers threaten to empty themselves for the sake of another, it's the role of the Takers to remind them to fill their own cup; to examine their boundaries and maybe set new ones (even if it comes at the cost of what we are given.)

The "two kinds of people" dichotomy can serve us really well.

When we use it as a tool to understand how we best show up in our relationships and lives, categorizing traits and observing their expression can be incredibly helpful. But tools can be used for good, or they can be weaponized.

The "two kinds of people" adage becomes dangerous when it's used as a tool to "other" because of differences. The work is in embracing those differences and all the nuanced ways that they exist, all over the spectrum.

We aren't looking at Givers or Takers, or Givers vs Takers; it's Givers and Takers.

Mutually beneficial dynamics requires both kinds of people operating from a place of willingness, not obligation or resentment.

Easy, right?

So now, I'm curious.

Which do you consider yourself to be? A Giver, or a Taker?

And.

How is that influencing the way you're showing up in your relationships + life? 🤔