Revolution: You can't fight for what's right by doing nothing.

Welcome to the Revolution.

Welp, this is it: The fourth of the 4 R’s.

We’ve already covered the first three:

Retreat: Stress peaks and survival instincts kick in → Fight, flight, or freeze
Recovery: Processing stress as it happens → Rest, digest, or nest
Reserves: An effective Self-care practice → You can give without resentment

But the 4th R is why all of the Self-care crap matters in the first place:

Revolution is about challenging unjust systems and creating meaningful change.

In the words of Audre Lorde: “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”

Self-care isn’t just about feeling relaxed as you drift off to sleep at the end of the night (although that is really freaking nice), it’s about keeping yourself alive — and dare I say, thriving?! — in the midst of a world that wants to keep you small.

It’s about building the resilience to hold your ground when you’re challenged.

More than tending to your physical needs, Self-care is also about meeting your emotional needs; so that you’re able to sit in feelings of discomfort, set your defense mechanisms down, and learn how to do better…for your Self, and then for others.

It’s about doing the work to be better…without burning yourself out in the process. Because the oxygen levels on this *gestures wildly at the world* plane are dangerously low and you’ve got to put your mask on so that you can help others get theirs.

That’s probably not the first time you’ve heard that cliche…but here’s the thing:

In this put-your-own-mask-on-first scenario, not everyone on the plane has access to a mask. For some, the masks were put deliberately out of their reach, or they have to get through a deadly obstacle course to secure one for themselves, and their family.

If you’re white-cis-het-passing like me, you’re probably unconsciously standing in the way and it’s helpful for you to move. But if you’re PTFO from oxygen deprivation or got Self-sacrificial about “helping others first” and didn’t put your own damn mask on… well that isn’t super helpful is it.

So clear your baggage, get your mask on, and do The Work to get out of the way.

Taking care of your Self is an integral part of The Work.

In the past, it’s definitely been easier to distance myself from taking responsibility for the problems in my life — and in the lives of others — and the ways I unconsciously contribute to those problems.

And that whole defense mechanism of creating distance thing is a huge problem in the world of anti-racism, social justice, and the fight for equality.

When I’m in defensive mode, I’m not listening, I’m not learning, and I’m sure as hell not going to do better. In fact, I’ll probably continue to repeat harmful patterns the next time I’m confronted with information that makes me uncomfortable.

I put up walls because they make me feel safe…but that’s not okay if those walls are also causing harm to others.

(Remember: Healthy boundaries are mutually beneficial.)

That’s where real Self-care comes in; the kind that helps you create space so that you can name the feeling, the story, and the reaction — and make a better choice next time.

Real Self-care doesn’t allow you to avoid or bypass the discomfort: It equips you with the tools you need to lean in, and to tend to whatever comes up in the process.

Because all those defense mechanisms and the emotional baggage we’ve been accumulating (and are now hiding behind…) have to be ditched if we want to do what’s right going forward.

And standing up for human rights is always the right thing to do.

Especially when the systems that run the show are causing harm.

But it is work. Peeling back the layers of our biases, assumptions, and ways of being freaking sucks. Making sense of what you uncover and figuring out how to move forward with that new information also sucks.

(Hopefully, math prevails and those two negative feelings end up creating a positive result, which is that you know better and can do better.)

I often say that my work is really rooted in those first 3 R’s, because it’s all about healing the hurt that’s holding you back, breaking old patterns that aren’t serving you, and creating new ones that support you in doing more of the things that matter.

But when it comes to The 4th R, it’s my turn to back off and let someone else take the lead.

Because BIPOC — especially Black and Indigenous women — have already been leading this Revolution for years, and they’ve never pretended that it was easy. They are, in fact, very vocal about the fact that this work is grueling, and that you must care of yourself so you can keep doing it for the long haul.

And let’s be honest — most white people are pretty new to this Revolution battle, and we are not ready for the front lines. We’re not even ready to be asking informed questions of the army commanders…we are in basic freaking training, and trying to work up to running our first mile.

THAT IS OKAY. Because EVERYBODY has to start somewhere.

Beginners don’t just join the Olympics, and if you go full tilt into this work without tending to your hurts and taking care of yourself along the way — you’re going to burn out and ultimately, not be of much use to the fight.

You are going to be exhausted by this work, and it doesn’t get easier but you will get stronger.

If easy is what you’re after, then sure — it’s absolutely easier to pretend there isn’t a problem. But the right thing and the easy thing are rarely the same thing, and in this case:

You cannot fight for what is right by doing nothing.

And you will not survive the battle if you do not take care of your Self.

In my coaching practice, I find myself saying this over and over: You are not broken, the system is.

(I’ve since adjusted that language to say that the systems is actually working exactly the way it’s meant to, because it was designed to benefit some people more than others…that’s why we need to try to change it.)

The way that we’ve been taught to think about Self-care in the midst of this system has us trying to fill our cups with a personal day or a bubble bath…to wake up the next morning and find out that there were some cracks in our cups and those Reserves won’t get us through the day.

The systems we’ve been raised in provide us with a set of cultural and societal expectations that we inherit and pass on without realizing it. We engage with our lives and set boundaries at the intersection of our identities (Self) and the roles we inhabit (others).

Some of these subconscious ways of being are supportive and loving, and, others are full of good intent but leave immense hurt and injustice in their wake.

It took me a long time to reconcile the two sides of the conversation — recognizing the harmful effects of the colonial system I’ve been raised in, and my responsibility as an individual to actively work against the injustice of it all…without feeling personally attacked when my responsibility is called out by those who have been marginalized.

I didn’t want to face the fact that my best intentions and efforts may have actually done harm to the people I thought I was helping.

As a consequence, I wanted to defend myself because I was worried that someone thought I wasn’t nice — nice people don’t hurt people, right?

But that had me completely missing the point of the conversation — that it wasn’t about me, it’s about something larger and more menacing at play…something that I subconsciously uphold and support, unless I’m actively doing the work to dismantle it.

In my eagerness to defend my sense of being good and right and point out that the system isn’t my fault, I actively causeharm, and neglect to take responsibility for it or repair the damage.

Unchecked defence mechanisms don’t just get in the way of our growth, they quash it.

They keep us trapped in pattern that limit our ability to do right by people and as a result, we remain stuck in a system that’s burning us out — we end up helping nobody.

Because I don’t know about you, but I can’t help anyone put their oxygen mask on when I’m curled up in a ball on the kitchen floor, crying. Again.

Learning how to accept that I exist in a system that benefits me while actively hurting others, without taking it as a personal attack on me as an individual, so that I can do my part to change that system…that’s the stuff that setting healthy boundaries helps me to do.

When I get triggered (feel threatened → stress response kicks in → defense mechanisms initiate) by something I read about my responsibility to dismantle white supremacy and colonialism, my work is not to chime in with “not all white people,” or “can’t you give some credit for trying?”

My work is to set (and maintain) mental and emotional boundaries that create space so I can sit with and process those uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, and what they mean for me, without doing more harm to the people I want to help.

And I want to do my part of the Revolution.

On the ground level — i.e. my inner work — that looks like:

The story I’m telling myself is…
It makes me feel…
When I believe this story, I react from a place of…

And then:

What am I going to do about it?

This practice holds up whether I’m processing a defensive reaction to something I read on Instagram or Twitter about social justice and activism, or one that’s the result of an innocuous comment my husband made about unfolded laundry or dirty dishes at the end of a very long and stressful year(s).

Threat → Stress → React

Healthy boundaries create the space to process the steps between your perception and the way you handle it, so that the reaction (ideally) leads to resolution…not perpetuation of a toxic pattern.

Ongoing, effective, and sustainable Self-care practices are what enable you to process the stress of life from a level-headed and intentional place — because let’s face it:

Reacting to stress when your anxiety stacks to an 8/10 isn’t super helpful.

But when you can take small, consistent steps to managing that stress and responding in a way that’s aligned with the life you want to lead…well, those Self-care efforts stack too.

And for me, the real goal is what we can accomplish when all of our frantic and anxiety-filled brains figure out how to take a deep breath and work together to do some real good in this world — to get beyond just making it through the day, so that we can create lasting impact and pass on a legacy we’re really proud of.

One that doesn’t come at the cost of others.

Like it or not, activism requires that we take care of ourselves because it is grueling work.

And we are no good to anyone if we are so stressed, depleted, and overwhelmed that we can’t take in meaningful information or stay present in hard but necessary conversations with others.

While that’s not as Instaspam-worthy as donning a pink pussy hat and marching capitol hill or posting a bubble bath pic on your grid, it is very much the work of the Revolution.

In the words of Melissa Nkomo, Founder of Kunye, a slow wellness + mindful movement community:

“Self-exploration is an integral part of my healing journey. I really try to exist in my own energetic field and self-care has been the mechanism I’ve used to develop and maintain that energy field.
To me, self-care is the sum of meaningful actions that we take to ground, nourish, and connect. It’s a very necessary anchor that keeps me steady when I start to drift away from who I truly am.”

This is not an arrival thing — we aren’t going to magically wake up one day having won an election or sent enough letters or done all the things to eradicate evil and now everything is fine.

This is a life-long commitment: A commitment to ourselves to keep showing up, a commitment to holding the people we love accountable to what’s right, and a commitment to keep doing the work.

Especially when it’s hard. (Because it is hard.)

It’s definitely easier for us to opt-out of conversations that make us uncomfortable or pretend those problems don’t exist….but that’s just our privilege showing. And it’s exactly why we need to stay in these conversations — to keep unlearning and re-learning, so that we can know better and do better.

And remember: When you’re challenging systems and life-long conditioning that demand your Self-sacrifice and martyrdom above all?

Every step along the way is an act of revolution.

Standing back when you’re commanded to push forward? Resting when you need to, instead of when you’re “allowed” to? Giving from abundance in support of moral justice rather than guilt or obligation…

SOUNDS REVOLUTIONARY TO ME.

So. Whatever you have to do to heal and recoup, do that. Because tomorrow is another day — and another opportunity to fight for what is right — in whatever capacity you have available. 💛

With love, action, and healthy boundaries,

x J

PS. Ready to commit to the free Crowdcast Q&A I’m hosting on November 24 @ 10am PT?

It will give you a chance to ask all the burning questions you have about setting boundaries and practicing sustainable Self-care, and, I’ll probably make at least a couple really awkward listening faces along the way.

Can’t make it live? Don’t sweat it — there will be a replay available, but you have to register to access it.

See you there!