Recovery: Feeling good isn't the point
Welcome to the 2nd week in a four-part series about The 4 R’s. Last week was about Retreat (you can find it here) and this week we’re talking about Recovery.
One of the biggest lies I was sold during my indoctrination into growth and self-development culture was the power of (toxic) positivity — believing that happiness and feeling good all the time and in all circumstances was the goal. This practice often resulted in by-passing deeper issues, and coating them with a glittery veneer of gratitude and affirmations.
Toxic positivity views negative emotions as bad, and it often denies or minimizes their impact.
That’s a problem for a lot of reasons. If we aren’t willing to admit that “negative” emotions exist, we can’t do anything to tend to their effects, or to address the root cause of the pain.
(To be fair, for some people that’s kind of the beauty of TP — you don’t have to do anything about a problem if it “doesn’t exist” — but that’s whole other conversation. And. I’m not talking to or writing for people who want to remain oblivious, because they aren’t interested in doing things differently. I’m here for people who want to create meaningful change, and recognize that creating change * gestures wildly * out THERE requires change * hand to heart * in HERE.)
Alright. So.
I’m just going to go ahead and tell you the big takeaway about practicing Self-care now:
Feeling good all the time isn’t the point.
Learning how to navigate the waters and surviving in spite of the challenges is the point.
If there’s one thing (ha!) I’ve learned in my short time on earth, it’s that we probably aren’t going to magically reach this state of being where there are no challenges or stressors, and everybody is acting from a place of love and doing no harm and agreeing about everything.
Maybe. But I don’t think so.
And unlike my fake friend Toxic Positivity, I don’t think that only being happy is the point. I think that living life whole-heartedly means being open to feelings and experiences all across the spectrum. I’ve found that those contradictory feelings often go hand-in-hand, and they can’t co-exist with a healthy dose of perspective until you’re willing to face both sides of the coin — and then find a way to straddle the third side of the coin that most people don’t think about.
And there’s definitely value in being able to hold space for more.
At least that’s been my experience over and over again. For example I’ve found that where there’s capacity for love there’s an equal potential for grief — and don’t get me started the complex feelings soup that brews when a parent holds their child and feels the weight of potential and responsibility; or our desire for belonging — to be seen and loved for who we are carries with it the fear of rejection and abandonment, and we can’t cherry-pick the “good” parts, no matter how much we try to affirm that into being. The vulnerability is exquisite, and there’s no way around it.
The point is that whether we’re facing big changes that we’ve been working towards for a while, or are caught off guard by a sudden change of plans, it’s inevitable that not-so-good-feelings and stressors are a part of life. We are wired to respond to the stimulus in our environment, “good” or “bad”.
Stress is normal, and even healthy, as long as we make space to process and tend to it.
That’s why we need Recovery.
Remember: Retreat is for when shit hits the Self-care fan. It’s when you’re so underwater that you don’t even know what you need, and every possibility is met with a barrier — whether it’s an external or internal limitation.
Recovery is about developing an awareness of how to manage your fluctuating needs, and creating routines that help you to meet your Self where you’re at.
Challenges are normal, and it’s how you navigate them that matters.
Some of the ways I tend to my needs in Recovery mode:
Physical
Movement — Minimum: Go for a walk. Moderate: Hit 10,000 steps on my FitBit. Maximizing: Gym or other intentional sweat sesh.
Nourishment — Minimum: Eat meals. Moderate: Meals are healthy. Maximizing: They’re planned in advance and nutrient-rich.
Sleep — Minimum: 6hrs per night. Moderate: 6-7 hrs, some sleep hygiene. Maximizing: 7-8 hrs with a healthy bedtime routine.
Emotional
Movement — Intentionally tuning into my feelings and matching the activity appropriately: Anxiety likes to run, anger likes to lift. Emotion needs to move.
Agency — Speaking up for my needs and creating space so that they can be met. Separation of my Self from others, and letting them be responsible for their own feelings.
Boundaries — Time off of social media. Not engaging in conversation with people who have proven they don’t have the capacity to hold safe space. Setting aside time to feel and name my feelings.
Mental
Accomplishment — Not just checking off to-dos, but doing the things that I care about and value: writing, organizing crap around the house, or moving my body usually do the trick.
Escapism — Reading fiction or watching Netflix, either will do. Intentionally taking time to turn my brain off and immerse myself in someone else’s story can be very healthy, in moderation of course.
Treatment — Usually a blend of anti-depressants, check-ins with my doctor, and regular therapy appointments. Having external accountability keeps me tuned into my overall symptom picture, so I can take action quickly if things start to change.
I know that a lot of these are all very “obvious” Self-care practices that you’ve probably heard of and there’s overlap between “categories” — and that’s a good thing, because Self-care should be accessible and doable.
If these practices — or versions of them — are currently baked into your day-to-day, that’s awesome. It’s a sign that you’re currently hanging out in that healthy Recovery zone. And you hate every suggestion or activity that I mentioned, that’s fine too — you don’t have to try any of them. I’m not here to write a prescription, but to encourage you to write your own, and if nothing that I say resonates, try something else.
Now let’s take a small step away from Recovery and start building the bridge towards Reserves.
Recovery = Identify the stressor and need to be met → Meet the need and Recover 🙌
Reserves = Create space to do more of the good stuff → Keep filling cup and build Reserves 💪
If the first lie I was told about Self-care had to do with toxic positivity, the “I am strong and don’t need help” myth followed closely behind it; perpetuating a false dichotomy that said “be open and vulnerable and speak your truth and take care of yourself” with its momentum riding on the undercurrent of “be strong and don’t have needs and hustle hustle hustle to earn your place and worth.”
It rewarded the kind of sacrifice that leads to compromised boundaries and neglected Self-care.
That really doesn’t end up working out because like I mentioned in my last email:
We need each other to survive.
And Recovery is dependent on not only being able to name your needs and find ways to meet them, but it also requires finding and nurturing connections with people who support you in this whole-hearted pursuit of life.
When we name our needs, we can find ways to meet them in meaningful and sustainable ways.
That means clearly communicating our needs to the people around us, and find co-conspirators in our commitment to living whole lives.
Self-care requires community care
Because human beings are wired for connection.
And nurturing those healthy relationships — ones that support us — depends on our ability to create the space to repair conflict, because conflict is inevitable when you’re in meaningful relationship; whether that’s with a partner, a family member, or someone you’re co-creating with.
We can’t truly repair those relationships unless we’re able to set down the defense mechanisms that come out to save us when we’re depleted and reactive, because the short term safety they provide us comes at cost of the long term benefit of genuine connection.
Having Recovery practices built into our life is what allows us to process those stressors in the moment, or after the fact, so that we can react from a level place — not an 8/10 on the anxiety scale.
Like Frozen has taught us: “People make bad choices when they’re sad or scared or stressed.”
Recovery allows us to honour our feelings (and boundaries!) as they come up, so that we can find resolution and keep going — instead of getting stuck in the emotional riptide that neglected feelings can perpetuate.
It’s only when we honour our feelings, and set healthy boundaries that allow us to meet our needs, that we can start to build those Reserves — that’s how we develop the capacity to support the people we love, and ultimate, create that meaningful change we’re after.
This is the practice; this is the work.
And I’m not here to promise that it will get easier — I know that sitting down to write still feels like work every single time, even though it’s a regular Self-care practice of mine.
Getting on the spin bike or going for a run still makes me sweat and gasp for breath.
Asking for help when I need it still requires a deep breath and a prayer for courage.
In the tension of growth and repair, fear consistently shows up. Resistance shows up. Criticism shows up. Shame shows up.
The point isn’t happiness in the face of that side of the coin…it’s trusting that the other side is there even when you can’t see it, and taking steps towards it anyway. It's practicing Self-care because not only do you need it, you deserve it.
A healthy Self-care practice helps you you get better at rolling with the punches and (hopefully) sticking the landing — and that’s where you learn to hold your ground so you can stand up for the things that really matter.
This is hard work because it’s supposed to be.