I'm really tired of "supposed to"

I've been avoiding using the internet for work lately, unless it's an absolute necessity - like responding to important emails, doing client work, and writing up new contracts...that's about it. things like social media, writing, slack and Facebook groups...I just kind of stopped.

at first, I felt guilty - I suck at sending regular emails to my list at the best of times, and now I haven't even been pretending to make an effort to write anything.

because the truth is...I'm not really sure what to do with an email list or blog at this point in my business. in the future, sure. but now? I'm not actively creating a product...putting the pressure on myself to do one more thing is exhausting. it feels like there's always more that I could be doing...and I end up spending more mental energy feeling bad about it what I'm not accomplishing than anything else.

what's even more taxing is constantly trying to frame things as a "lesson" or have a "valuable takeaway" and "driving engagement" because that's the way content marketing works.

but I just want to write for me. I want to be in the moment without needing to think twice about how to share my life.

I'm tired of curating and being "strategically vulnerable." it takes so much time to do...I know there are systems and automation I can put into place, but I don't want to. 

I understand the logic...but I wish that nobody scheduled their social media and we all just showed up when we could. there would be so much less noise...I think I'd like it that way. 

so instead of continuing to stress out about what I'm "supposed to be doing," I'm questioning why I "had to" do it at all. because I'm tired of forcing things (you know, "making it happen!") because everyone says I should.

when I'm not supposed-to-ing, I'm hanging out in the sunshine with my kid, or doing things that feel nourishing. I'm present, and I really like it. 

so where does that leave me?

leaning into ease. 

I'm continuing to practice letting go of these massive expectations. that means ignoring the numbers and engaging organically instead of strategically. if it feels good, I'll do more of it. if it creates pressure, I won't. it's not a very business-y choice, but whatever.

trusting my instincts

everything in me is craving space and quiet. in a world of automated everything, there is no shortage of noise and everything in me is rebelling against the demands. this direction doesn't feel like a fear of playing big...it feels like a grounded, quiet calling to just be for a while.

creating the space for growth

to be honest, I'm not sure what that means right now but I think it's what I need. there are a couple small projects I have on the go, and I want to focus on nurturing those. I want the bandwidth to think clearly and be free of distraction. not only in terms of my time, but also in terms of what I consume. I can't create when I'm consuming other people's work all the time.

this all feels really scary...like if I disappear for a while or don't put myself out there constantly, I'll never be able to make it in the online world...but it also feels really right for me.

(and if the current way of doing business is going to be obsolete in a few months, there's no point investing my time in it now, right?)

when I think about how I want to spend my time in an ideal day...very little of it would be attached to my phone or computer. so why would I build the bones of my business on a foundation that requires it in the first place?

obviously I know that doing business online requires using a computer. for me, it's just a matter of deciding what I want to do and what I don't. so if I don't want to play the current game of curation and strategic sharing...what does that look like?

I really don't know. but I'm going to find out.

so for now, I'm leaning back instead of leaning in.
I'm taking it slow instead of taking it up a notch.
I'm trusting the process and taking care of me.

maybe you'll hear from me, maybe you won't.
I really don't know.

until next time...enjoy the summer, friends.

xo justine

ps - we can still hang out on instagram, twitter, or snapchat - I'm @justinesones. so come say hi...just don't expect perfect curation.

expect real life. 

see you there.